You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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