no you cant smoke seaweed
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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