I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
