I should be sponsored by Trojan
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
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