So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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