Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
