I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
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