Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
