Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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