Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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