I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
