Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
