I wish I could teleport
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
