At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
