I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
