She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
