you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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