I met the friendliest cop last night
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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