I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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