That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We need a shit load of segways right now
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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