oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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