Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
