i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
