Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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