I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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