the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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