he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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