I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
