I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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