I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
