Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
