SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
