Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
