If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
nutella sex= disaster
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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