Apparently you make a good broom.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
