What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
