God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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