I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
