I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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