My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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