I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
