I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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