I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
