I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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