Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
