she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
