the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
