I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
should my penis look like a turkey
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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