Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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