happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
