my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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