I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
