Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
