Please, let me fuck your mom
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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